Fanfiction: Painful Memories
Buffy sighed. Why was it so hard for Faith to talk to her? She thought back to the night before last and wondered where things had gone so terribly wrong. She and Faith had been having so much fun. They had been dancing, slaying and patrolling together, Buffy had even skipped a chemistry test to be with Faith. It had all happened so quickly, and there was so much blood. Even now, when Buffy closed her eyes all she saw was those desperate eyes caught in that moment of realisation, that moment where Finch knew he was going to die. He breathed his last and he was gone. In that small matter of minutes, seconds even, a whole life had been snuffed out, at the hand of her sister slayer. It was almost too much for Buffy to bear, she couldn’t even begin to think how Faith must be feeling. She didn’t believe that she felt nothing, she could see it in Faith’s eyes. There in those deep brown eyes Buffy had often been lost, momentarily caught up in what can only be described as Faith’s soul. At that moment she had seen something that normally was hidden from everyone- raw emotion. A combination of conflicting emotions – for just a moment - had flashed through them. Pain, regret, anguish, hatred - not for Buffy or Finch but for herself. Lastly, the one that moved Buffy the most – fear. But Faith insisted on shutting Buffy out of her life, her emotions, everything. This, Buffy couldn’t understand and there was nothing more she wanted than for Faith to open up to her. Looking up to a starless sky Buffy whispered out loud though to no one in particular. “Faith, open up to me…tell me what’s going through your mind. What happened to you?”
~~ Years ago…. In Boston (Faith aged 6)~~
Her heart jumps in her chest, and her adrenaline surges. Her eyes dart around hurriedly as she unconsciously pulls the blankets tighter to her body. Go to sleep, sleep is good. Just close your eyes and -wait. What was that?? Just the wind. It’s just the wind, go to sleep. There’s nothing to be scared of ask Henry…
Henry said nothing, he rarely did. He just lay there beside her in the silence of the night, keeping her fears at bay as best as he could by simply being there with her. His one black, buttoned eye was hanging on by only a thread, and the promise to the little girl that he would soon be mended. She thought about this as she stared at his patchy, matted, brown fur that was showing the signs of been loved for so many long, hard years. The rip below his ear where stuffing was falling out, a battle scar from when Henry had lost a fight with a dog. She stared sadly into that black, lone, button that had witnessed things most people pray to God never to see, and the torn ear that had heard things that would reduce most to tears. Henry stares back into those big, deep brown eyes. They alone tell a story of a child that has been forced to grow up too fast, ripped from her childhood. They are eyes full of the knowledge that this world is a cruel and unfair place, eyes that don’t fit the face of this small child.
Footsteps. Henry did you hear? I heard them this time, I know I did. Or did I? Now there is only the silence no footsteps at all. Did I just imagine them? Things seem so much scarier at night, alone, in the dark, with no one but Henry to keep me company. Things aren’t so scary in the daytime. If it was light I wouldn’t be so scared. These bad things don’t happen to me in the daytime. I could walk over and turn on the light switch. No I couldn’t. I’m too scared -even with Henry- that something is waiting for me out there in the dark. Besides Daddy might see the light on. I don’t want that to happen. I’ll just look at the big round moon, high in the sky instead.
The soft light that illuminates off the night-light covers the few broken toys near it in a warm, pink glow. The light seems to be at war with the dark, fighting for it’s life for just a little nook of space in this otherwise night filled world. She watches the light reflecting off the silver glitter on her novelty dress up shoes. A present from happier days long since past. The glitter sends little dots of light over the floor and it reminds her of the crystals that people put up in the windows of their houses, in hope that the sun will catch them. When the light caught the crystals it made little rainbows all around the room, and if something made the crystal move the little light-rainbows would dance, swirling and skipping about the room.
The small child wears a peaceful smile as she quietly yawns, snuggling deeper into the warmth of her blankets, her dark hair a tangled mess on her pillow. For a moment the problems at hand seem so far away. Her heavy eyes close and she drifts off to a light sleep, where she feels safe and content. Then suddenly she is falling. Faster and faster into the deepening darkness.
I feel like i’m screaming and no one will help. Why won’t someone help me. I’m so scared.
She falls, wondering when it will end and if she will survive the fall. Henry? She wakes from the dream, with the thin sheets mangled around her body and still slightly damp with sweat. Henry? Where have you got to now?? She scolds her friend as she untangles herself from the sheets. Her search becomes more frantic as she searches the bed, but to no avail. Where has he run off to? He wouldn’t leave me all by myself…..would he? I can’t stay by myself in the dark. I should not be making so much noise, Daddy will surely hear me. Ah! There you are. What are you doing there on the floor? Wait. Did you hear that. It sounded like it was right outside the door…. There it is again! Louder this time. Don’t you hear it? That soft scraping noise? Daddy’s boots make that sound. He isn’t home yet though, is he? I didn’t hear him come back yet, I’m sure of it. Then what was that noise? Am I even awake yet? Maybe I am still dreaming. I will soon wake up. I was so sure this time, though. I hope Daddy is tired when he gets home, I don’t want to play tonight. I don’t like his games. Don’t tell him I said that Henry, or I might be punished. Daddy doesn’t like it when I’m not good. I try to be so good for him, but I must try harder. Then he won’t have to hurt me anymore.
Shhhh! I can hear the floorboards squeaking under his boots. The door is opening. I’ll pretend I’m sleeping. Maybe it will work this time. Maybe not. If I take a litle peek, I see his shadowy body comming closer. It makes me feel so very small.
The old, soiled, mattress sags into the breaking springs as he sits down and takes off his boots. I can smell that horrible alcohol mixing with his stale breath, as his rough cheek leans against mine. Daddy’s home.
~~ end of past sequence ~~
Faith woke up with a start. She was trembling and although it wasn’t because of the cold, she pulled the thin sheets tighter around her body and curled up. There are things she’d never tell anyone, not even B. It’s so hard to trust people. Her rough childhood. One of the many things she kept concealed all that time in Sunnydale. Things she promised herself to never tell anyone. Her secret. Faith shook her head and her fear turned to anger. I’m sick of getting hurt. Sick of being screwed over. If I kept them to myself I wouldn’t get hurt, I wouldn’t feel any more pain… yeah right. Whatever. I’m not looking to hug and cry and learn and grow. It happened, yeah. But I’m stronger because of it. I know what it feels like on the other side and I never wanna go back there again. And THAT gives me power. I was young then, I didn’t know how to fight back. How could I? I was so small… But now I do. Now I’m a fighter. I’ll never give up. I’d rather sink to darkness then let someone hurt me again. I’ll die fighting.
Faith climbed out of her bed and walked across the dirty floor of the cheap motel room. It’s so hard to trust people. The only person you can depend on is yourself. In the end? Buffy couldn’t care less about someone like Faith, could she? She doesn’t know what I’ve been through. She’s had it so easy and she doesn’t even realise it. If she knew, she would see that I’m no good for her, I’m broken.
And for the first time since she was six the dark slayer let a single salty tear fall down her cheek.